Made of Carbon

An Update in Three Parts

2011-02-28T08:05:00.000-08:00

Hello, lovelies.

Today's post will come to you in three parts.

Part One--A Fresh New Look
I am currently designing a new look for this blog that will be wonderful! I'm way too ADD when it comes to blog design and I change my blog's design way too many times for my own good. However, I feel as if the current one (regardless of how much I like it) is a little all over the place. I also want to focus on giving Made Of Carbon, well, a focus.

I've decided to make a regular posting schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. That's right. You get me three times a week. Mondays will become Much Love Mondays (like the Things I Less Than Three post I did recently), Wednesdays will be Writing Wednesdays wherein I'll post an excerpt or something having to do with writing, and Fridays are a free day when I can post whatever my little heart desires.

I'll hopefully bring everything together in the next week or so. I've done the preliminary design of it, and I'm so excited! So if you pop in and the place looks different, don't run away. It's all going according to plan.

PART TWO--Spring Break
I have left the freezing Utah weather for somewhere a bit warmer--Sanibel, Florida, which ranks in my top three favorite places in the world. Well, maybe not top three. But definitely top five. It is so lovely here. I've been taking walks up and down the beach every day and lying out on the grass reading books all through the afternoon.

Speaking of books, that brings me to...

PART THREE--Books That I've Read Recently
So, since coming to Sanibel three days ago, I've read two books. And they were both incredible.

First, Citrus County by John Brandon. Citrus County is the type of book in which three characters--a very troublesome, but apathetic teenager Toby; Shelby, a girl Toby’s age with her eye on him; and Mr. Hibma, a teacher at their school whose own troubles and urges are as helplessly chaotic as those of any of his students--circle around each others, their lives constantly overlapping and becoming increasingly tangled. This book drags you along in a death grip that's not entirely pleasant or unpleasant.

Second, The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. My reaction to this book needs its own line:

Holy shit.

I've been hearing about this book for a year or two now, but have never really had any interest in it. However, when I picked it up off a sale shelf at a bookstore yesterday and it was thirty-percent off, I decided to give it a whirl. Because of this book, I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. I started reading and could not stop. I read this book in a little less than five hours.

This book, listen, this book... You must go get this book right now. I don't care who you are, I'm pretty sure you'll love this book.

PART FOUR--
xoxo,
Danya

The Definitive Guide to Danya's Top Three Favorite Books

2011-02-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

I love to read. This, all things considered, is not surprising--I mean, I'm kind of a nerd that way. I am also an incredibly fast reader, thus I can devour high quantities of books in a very short period of time, which I do on a regular basis. I feel like my love for reading has allowed me to read an incredibly wide range of books.

After getting countless people asking me for book suggestions, I've decided to make a list of my top three books. These books are books I think everyone should read for the sake of leading a fulfilled life. Without further ado, here they are:

1. Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

When people ask me what my favorite book is, I always, always answer "Invisible Monsters." It is a magic book, but don't ask me to describe it.

It influences my own writing, driving me to tap into the rawest part of myself. It gives me incredible insight into the world around me--I look at things backwards, inside-out, upside-down through Palahniuk’s eyes and discover things that cause me to change my own life.

If I had never read Invisible Monsters, I would’ve probably turned out fine. My life would not have been ruined. However, now that I have read it, I can’t imagine life without it.

Read this book. It is wonderful.

2. The Secret History by Donna Tartt

I stole my copy of this book from a hostel in South Africa on a recommendation of a friend on the trip. The copy, which was originally pristine, is now worn through from my excessive reading--the cover is coming away from the binding; the pages are dog-eared and torn.

I read through this book for the first time in about three days. Once finished, I immediately started rereading.

The first two sentences had me hooked immediately: "The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of the situation. He'd been dead for ten days before they found him, you know." If they don't hook you too, there's something wrong with you. Donna Tartt is masterful at building this incredible tension beneath the surface of the story.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

3. You Shall Know Our Velocity! by Dave Eggers

This book, in many ways, is the perfect book.

Following the story of two childhood friends who are trying to travel around the world in the week and give away $80,000 in the process, this book says everything I wish I could put into words--about travelling, about the awkwardness of life, about social interactions, about friendships, and family, and everything, really.

Mostly, I think I love it because it's describes travel so well. Even though I do not have the experiences written about in the book, I do in some ways. It's weird, but it just makes me want to fly away to some place, over and over again.

It's weird, but it's wonderful.

Honorable Mentions:

The Dolphin People by Torsten Kroll, The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Couch by Benjamin Parzybok, Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl, The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, and Looking for Alaska by John Green

And there you go: my definitive top three favorite books. Do not come looking for book suggestions until you have read all three. Only then will I recommend you a book.

Have a lovely day/night/afternoon/life.

xoxo,

Danya

Things I Less-Than-Three

2011-02-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

The internet is wonderful. Seriously. I can sit on the computer for twenty minutes and find absolutely beautiful things that make my day, and most of them are too good to not pass on. Today, as the world outside erupts in a blizzard and all I want to do is cuddle up and watch old movies, I decided to do a Things I Less-Than-Three post. I used to do these posts on my old blog all the time and I sort of miss them, so perhaps I'll make this into a thing. Maybe. Enjoy!

♥ This wonderful long-exposure picture of a bonfire. I can't wait until it gets a bit warmer so we can have bonfires! ♥

♥ This sentiment. ♥

♥ I adore Brett and Jemaine of Flight of the Conchords. This picture is adorable! ♥

♥ Baby platypuses! (platypi? platypods?) SO CUTE. ♥

♥ I love the tone of this photo. Also, I want to be friends with this boy. ♥

♥ Have a bit of Fry and Laurie to brighten up your day! ♥

Have a lovely day!

xoxo,

Danya

Windy and Writerly Wednesdays

2011-02-16T21:28:00.000-08:00

Today was blustery.

It was beautiful and sunny and warm and the wind whipped up around you every time you stepped outside. The ground was scattered with dry leaves that swirled around in jetties of wind. Profoundly (and quite accurately), my friend Katie said, "This wind makes me feel like Pocahontas." This is not appropriate February weather.

Luckily, the weather figured its shit out soon enough. It started to blizzard. The snow, wet and heavy, is covering everything and it is glorious. As much as I resent winter, I cannot deny it is beautiful.

In this edition of Writing Wednesday (which is not technically a thing, just convenient as it's a Wednesday and I've been writing), I'm going to give you an excerpt of a story I am writing entitled There's No Such Thing As Gravity, title courtesy of my brother James. This is the first creative writing I've done in about a year and I'm pretty excited about it. Let me know what you think in the comments. Or don't. Whatever.

There's No Such Thing As Gravity

Nothing ever stands still.

Watching her sleep under the sheen of early morning light, he can't remember what happened the night before. He can see the faint outline her body makes under the sheets; shadows fall dark in the concave of her waist, sunlight splashes against the curve of her hip. She is curled towards him, her head tucked under his chin. Lying together on his mattress, he tries to remember her name.

His mouth tastes as if it's coated with a film of sawdust. He stands up, and she shifts, snuggling down deeper into the sheets, into the empty space he left in the bed. He walks to the bathroom, turns on the sink faucet, and splashes some water into his mouth. He looks up at himself in the mirror, water drooling from his lips, and swallows hard once.

Fucking idiot. He spits into the sink. What a fucking idiot. A headache pounds at his temples and he thinks, You should get out of here, go. Before she wakes up. He turns back to glance at the bed.

She's standing in the doorway, wearing his shirt. She tucks a piece of hair behind one ear. "Hey."

"Hey."

Leaning against the doorjamb, she looks like she wants to run. His shirt is too big for her--the sleeves fall down to her elbows, the hem is almost at her knees. It hangs awkwardly, like it's draped on a mannequin. She bites her bottom lip, then says, "I think I'm gonna go."

Clearing his throat, he rubs a hand over his cheek. "Right. Yeah." Trying to sound like he knows what he's doing, he says, "Do you need me to call you a taxi?"

"No." She presses her lips together, then smiles. "Thanks." She walks back to the bed, and her hair swings down the length of her back.

He thinks, Don't let her go. As she reaches for her crumpled shirt on the floor, he says, "Wait."

She turns to him.

"Do you want to get some coffee?" He fumbles with the words, and as soon as they're out of his mouth, he wishes he hadn't said them.

She chews the inside of her cheek, and she looks at the ground, at the empty space between them. Twisting the hem of his shirt between her fingers, she says, "I'm sorry." Her voice is so quiet, he almost can't hear what she said. "I can't."

"Oh." Feeling exposed, he shrugs. "No worries."

She picks up her shirt from the floor and just holds it. "It's not that I don't want to." Hesitating, she twists her hands around the shirt, as if she was wringing it dry. She exhales. "Maybe some other time?"

"Yeah. Sure."

She nods once, and pulls off his shirt.

He averts his eyes, unsure of where to look. "I'll be downstairs."

As he turns away, she says, "Wait." She stands there naked, hair pulled to one shoulder. Her hands are fidgety, fingers drumming on the outsides of her thighs. She says, "Maybe I could go for some coffee."

xoxo,
Danya

Why I (At Least Somewhat) Enjoy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

First things first: I found a blog-friend! Her name is Holly and she lives two doors down from me and she is lovely and you should get out her blog because she's so lovely: Contemplations of my Reverie. Go. Do it now.

Onto business: today is Valentine's Day. I like Valentine's Day. I do not have a valentine, nor do I have the opportunity to get one before the day is out--regardless, I like Valentine's Day. It provides us with a day focused completely on telling people you love that you love them. While if you need a day to remind you that you love the ones you love, you might need to refocus your priorities, I appreciate the fact that Valentine's Day gives me an excuse to tell people I love them, to reconnect with old friends, and to spend a day surrounded by love.

I have quite a number of friends who refer to Valentine's Day as Single Awareness Day, but, even though I'm single, I don't consider it as such. For me, the point of Valentine's Day is your love for other people, not others' love for you. You feel me?

So, even though I have no boyfriend or girlfriend to spend the day with, doing romantic things like staring into each other's eyes for hours (NOT a staring contest), I am filled with love today.

And so I leave you with a video from the magnificent John Green in which he discovers toward the end of a game of Chubby Bunny that it is Valentine's Day and then discusses love while walking around the mall:

I hope you have a lovely Valentine's Day and spend it with people you love. <3

xoxo,
Danya

Eighteen Before Nineteen: Revising My Priorities

2010-11-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

In conjunction with my last post regarding wasting time, I decided to try to start figuring my shit out. I realized my priorities are warped. I obsess over things that don't matter--wasting hours upon hours mindlessly surfing the internet, playing the game over boys who are maybe interested in me--because I have no clue what I want to do.

Well, in some respects that's true.

More specifically, I don't know what I want to fill my time with. I don't know what I want to do in the moments when I'm not stressed about homework or goofing off with friends. I want to be productive, but I don't know what I want to accomplish in the smaller scheme of things--not necessarily talking about in the perspective of my life, rather, just my day-to-day accomplishments.

So, taking inspiration from the lovely Miss Elsie of A Beautiful Mess, I made a list of things I want to do before I turn nineteen. Some are rather silly, others more serious, but they are all things I can fill my time doing. They are all things that will make me happy. And, because I am sick and tired of wasting my time obsessing over playing the game, I consciously excluded any goal about boys or relationships. Because, in the end, I'd rather spend my time focusing on defining who I am and who I want to be and what I want, rather than on getting a boyfriend.

Loves,
Danya

P.S. Sorry if this isn't the most coherent post. It's one in the morning and I'm exhausted and I'm trying to update every other day and stay on that schedule, but I procrastinated today and waited until the last minute. Sorry! (For whoever's reading this, if anyone.) Goodnight.

P.P.S. I'd love to know what you'd like to accomplish before your next birthday! Leave your list (or a link to your list) in the comments.

Procrastination, Wasting Time, and Kittens

2010-11-26T21:28:00.000-08:00

Is it unfair to say I'm a procrastinator by nature? I generally find that I'm a fairly motivated person, but it's not uncommon for me to wait until the last hour to finish my essay or do my drawing homework the morning before class. Even when I try to get ahead on assignments, I usually slip up and fall under the ever-growing pile of work I need to do, surrendering into my procrastinating ways.

However, this wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing that's so much more important than homework. So much of my time just slips away, wasted, with mindless stumbling on the internet. I stare at a screen for so many hours of the day, justifying the hours by saying I'm learning--I'm finding new artists, discovering new music, exploring the archives of different video bloggers--or that I'm socializing with friends on Facebook (which deserves its own post).

But the truth is, the majority of this time I spend "learning" is actually wading through a tremendous amount of quasi-entertaining sites that provide me nothing but a video of kittens maneuvering their way down a slide. Pages upon pages of wasted time. I waste time could be spent doing at least somewhat productive. Or at least something that doesn't leave me with a collapsed feeling under my skin and a headache.

A part of me says that life's too short to be concerned with productivity--use time in whatever way makes you happy. But then I question how happy surfing the internet makes me. Because generally I'll look up from my screen after hours of staring at it and realize how unhappy I am. And then, at the crux of it all, I discover: I waste time on the internet because, regardless of what anyone says, being engaged in life is hard. It's much easier to spend hours stumbling or creeping on Facebook than it is to figure out what I actually want to do and accomplish that given day.

But I don't blame the internet. It's not the internet's fault for being so damn distracting. I use the internet like I do because it's an easy way out of figuring out what I want. But I'm sick of wasting time. Maybe if I stop wasting time like I do, I'll actually get some of my homework done on time.

Loves,
Danya

Things I Am Tremendously Thankful For

2010-11-24T21:45:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving literally coming up around the corner (in about a half hour), I think it's only timely to have a Things I'm Thankful For post. So, without further ado:

- My absolutely, brilliantly wonderful friends--They love me in spite of my crazy antics. They are the people that keep me grounded, that keep me whole. They go on crazy adventures with me at two in the morning in search of brownies. They are the ones that are willing to give me hugs when I need them most. Every last one of them is a beautiful person and I absolutely adore them.

- My spectacular family--If I could have nothing else in this world, I would want my family. They have given everything to me; they have made me the person I am today. My parents are my best friends. My brothers, regardless of everything that has happened, have been the best brothers I could've asked for. My family is beautiful and fantastically awesome. Without them, I wouldn't know the meaning of love.

- Snowy days--I love days when it's a blizzard outside and all you want to do is snuggle up on the couch, read books, watch Pride and Prejudice, knit sweaters, and drink hot chocolate. It was one of those days today.

- My current obsession with Youtube--So, this is obviously a bit dorky, but I am obsessed with Youtube. I love the vlogbrothers, Hank and John Green, who introduced me to nerdfighting, Margo Roth Spiegelman, and the history of the French Revolution. I love charlieissocoollike who is so cute and dorky, I just want to hug him, and whose songs are absolutely, hilariously brilliant. I love Wheezy Waiter and his explosion Wednesdays (are they a thing?). I love elmify and electricfaeriedust and nerimon. Youtube has introduced me to so many amazing people and awesome things.

- Honorable mentions--cozy winter clothes, dogs who like to snuggle, chocolate walnut pie, hipster glasses with no lenses, knitting, rediscovering music you used to love, lotion that smells like candy canes, reading new books, spending time off the internet, talking to people you love, nerf gun battles, people piles (especially on sofas), people who want to come visit you over Christmas, Matisse paintings, turning eighteen, peppermint hot chocolate, semicolons, unicycle gangs, waffles for breakfast, "I can only use telepathy with my left eye.", holding a funeral for my late fish in the boys' bathroom, nights where everything is so beautiful and quiet and the silence washes over you like a flood.

My Incompatibility With Playing the Game and Other Thoughts On Romance

2010-11-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot recently about romance. By the time you get to college, relationships are expected. Experience is expected. Romantic endeavors are fueled by efforts to "play the game": text him every other day on week days, every day on weekends; play hard to get; don't let him know you're interested; don't get attached. It's manipulation at it's finest.

As a friend told me, "Even if you don't want to, you have to play the game." Instead of a relationship emerging from two interested people, it's all about catching a boy. An interested girl will have countless anxiety-ridden conversations with her friends about when to text, how to word her texts, what she should do if she passes her boy in the hall. It's stressful and frustrating and insane to get a boy interested in you. Relationships are held together by the thin thread of girls' rumination.

Well, that and a bunch of other stuff. I'm just being cynical.

But even after all that, after the fact that girls go through so much time and effort and exhaust so much energy, it's still expected that you will be experienced by the time you get to college. It's not uncommon for girls to be a virgout (Hank Green's bridge spanning the lexicon gap of the opposite of virgin) by the time they get to college, to have gone through messy relationships and messy breakups, to even know how to play the game. It's expected that relationships just happen to girls in high school.

I, however, have had none of this experience. Before college, I had a single relationship that was compromised of two weeks and two kisses. I didn't know how to act in a relationship--how was I supposed to know what to do, what to say to this person who was suddenly my boyfriend? My two weeks with A. was the closest thing I ever had to a relationship during high school. It was weird and awkward and I broke it off because I didn't know if I even liked him very much. It had no similarities to the relationships all of my friends seemed to have. Throughout high school, I was under the impression that I was completely repulsive to guys and, regardless of my daydreams, would never be the object of a boy's affection.

Thus, upon arriving at college, I was completely unversed in how to play the game and was overwhelmed with all the utter bullshit I had to wade through in order to get a boy to like me. I have to watch what I say, how I say it, and when I say it; I can't ask the boy to hang out too often--I have to wait for him to come to me; I have to balance the tightrope of keeping him interested, but not being too available. And, just to remind you, playing the game is not just something dreamt up by girls hoping to waste time. It's common because it's effective. Boys fall for girls who play the game.

But in the end, I'm just not one of those girls. I value honesty too much. And I guess, as much as I want a boy, I don't care about relationships enough. I refuse to waste my time worrying about shit that doesn't matter in order to catch a boy. I don't want a boy who wants me who wants me for who I am when I play the game, anyway.

Don't get me wrong--in a lot of ways, I'm a hopeless romantic. But I'm not going to waste my time playing the game. And I'm definitely going to follow John Green's advice (paraphrased--sorry!): "Don't waste your time on a boy who maybe likes you."

Loves,
Danya

Somewhat of a Reintroduction

2010-11-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

Originally, I stopped posting on this blog because I thought I had nothing meaningful or interesting to post. Or, if I did, posting was a pretentious way to communicate those opinions to the world. And maybe that's the truth--blogging is just a way to validate ourselves: when we post, we shout into the infinite chasm of the internet, "Hey! Look at me! I have an opinion!", and we hope someone will hear.

But looking back through my handful of posts surprised me. Most of them were interesting, well-written, and commented on by readers. And even if it is a pretentious way to express my thoughts, I enjoyed writing--and later reading--those posts.

So, I will restart updating this blog as I see fit. Let's see where it goes, shall we?

Here's a bit of an update. Much has happened since my last post.

First things first: my gap year--which was originally the basis for this blog--is over. I accomplished basically what I set out to accomplish: I figured my shit out, generally speaking. I went to Africa for three months, I decided on a college, I grew up.

Currently, I'm attending Westminster College in Salt Lake City with the intention of majoring in English with an emphasis in creative writing. Things are much different than they were when I started this blog, but my motives are still the same. I'm still concerned with how I use time, how much I accomplish and what I want to accomplish, how I interact with people. This blog remains focused on the same idea: it is a soundboard for my experiences.

Hopefully it will be interesting, or at least somewhat entertaining to read. But, for now, I am using it to make a mark in the infinite code of zeroes and ones, to shout into the endlessness of the internet, "You shall know my velocity!"

Enjoy, or not. Up to you.

Loves,
Danya

Being Jewish and Wanting Christmas

2009-10-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

Technically, I'm Jewish.

It's sort of my "by-default" religion, even though I love being Jewish. Some aspects of Judaism just resonate with me, like the emphasis on personal spirituality. I love some of the cultural norms that come along with being Jewish, like the fact that it takes my grandparents an hour to leave after having breakfast with my family. I love bringing my friends to Passover, not so they can experience a Jewish holiday, but just because it's a fantastic time. I love that, when I bring my best friend to my grandmother's house, she asks if we want anything to eat eighteen times.

I'm Jewish, meaning I was Bat Mitzvah-ed, meaning I was born into a Jewish family, meaning I celebrate Jewish holidays. All that aside, I don't consider myself a Jew.

Nor do I completely identify with Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, or any other major (or minor) religion.

But one thing I've always wanted, but never had, was Christmas.

Over the years, Hanukkah stopped being the eight days of presents, and became six, then five, then two, then one day of presents. We stopped lighting the menorah every night. We stopped having Hanukkah dinner with the family.

And all I wanted was to have a Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. I wanted to be able to rush downstairs Christmas morning and see a pile of presents. I wanted to have the white Christmas with stockings and gingerbread cookies and decorating the tree.

I've always wanted that so badly, but never got it.

It has nothing to do with religion. I just wanted to be part of that holiday spirit that everyone else seemed to be a part of, but I never felt.

Loves,

Danya

Gift Experiment

2009-10-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

And, we're back.

So, in the midst of focusing on my future (college applications, trip applications, driver's license, etc.), I'm experimenting with something completely different. I'm participating in the 29 Gifts in 29 Days phenomenon, in which I (obviously) give twenty-nine gifts in twenty-nine days.

Today is my second day, and, so far, it's had some interesting results. I feel more accomplished, more compassionate, and more ready to tackle my own issues, like applications and driving tests.

My gift for today is donating to the Office of Letters and Light, which is bringing together writers from all over the world to participate in National Novel Writing Month. NaNoWriMo is a challenge in which participants spend November writing a 50,000-word book in 30 days. The Office of Letters and Light also will use my donation to continue to put on free creative writing programs for kids and adults around the world, to help the NaNoWriMo Young Writer Program Classrooms, and to continue the YWP AlphaSmart Loaner Program.

I have started a fundraiser for the Office of Letters and Light (click on the icon on the left side of your screen), and I would love it if you would donate. I donated $50, so we're already 20% of the way to my goal, but I would love to hit 100%.

Working At Starbucks, Part One

2009-07-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I've been a terrible blogger for the past two weeks, but life is/was getting in the way. My new job as a barista at Starbucks has been taking up a huge chunk out of my schedule. It's also the subject of this post--

One of the thing's I'm learning while working at Starbucks is the idea of consistency. People like to know that, even if the rest of their life is chaotic, when they walk into Starbucks, they can order a grande triple vanilla soy latte and know exactly what it is that they're ordering and know that they'll enjoy it. People like that all the Starbucks venues basically look the same; they like that all the coffee's the same kind and that each drink follows a recipe. People like that the Starbucks employees are interchangeable.

To ensure this consistency, making drinks is calculated, measured, and timed. I know that grande triple vanilla soy latte will get exactly four pumps of vanilla syrup, then three shots, then soy milk steamed on AUTO up to the top. I know that I start pulling the shots as soon as I aerate the milk to make sure that they will be done just after the milk is steamed. I know that only cups of coffee and hot americanos get cup sleeves. I know that only frappucinos with chocolate chips get the chocolate sauce drizzle on the whipped cream. Anything beyond that needs to be written on the cup.

What I'm trying to say is that people like Starbucks, not only for the good coffee, but also for the power. They can customize drinks as much as they want, tweaking and specifying, until every box on the cup is filled. And you can tell what kind of person a customer is by their drink order: the guy who orders a dopio espresso is very different from the woman who orders a venti quad no foam skinny caramel latte who's very different from the guy who orders a cup of coffee. But no matter how different the people are, or the drinks are, all of those customers know exactly what they're going to get and how it's going to be made and how it's going to taste.

Sorry to ramble on about that . . . Anyways, I really like working at Starbucks, though I am becoming quite a Starbucks snob. Now I can't just get a venti sweetened, black ice-tea; I have to get a venti, no-water, eight-pump classic, half-green, half-black ice-tea. Yum . . .

Loves,
Danya.

Priorities Versus Time

2009-07-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I'm somehow missing the point of unschooling.

Maybe I just always thought of it as this magical solution that would automatically make me productive and brilliant, exchanging books for TV and constantly having epiphanies. But it's not like that for me. I'm doing the same thing I would do every other summer vacation: spending my time messing around on the internet, writing, watching cartoons, occasionally reading Roald Dahl, sketching, working, generally being unproductive or otherwise "mindless".

Is there something I'm not getting? Am I doing this whole unschooling thing completely wrong?

I have faith that eventually I'll get to the point where being mindless is boring and being productive will be the next best option, but, for now, I feel like I'm not doing it right. I feel like it's so much easier to do "mindless" things that still bring me satisfaction in the moment, than to put in effort.

Maybe I'm just looking for an easy way out when there isn't one. Maybe I will constantly need to remind myself of what I want to do and what's important to me; that's the way life is (or, at least, that's what people tell me that's the way life is), so why should this be any different, right?

My question for you: Do you find yourself constantly filling up your time with unimportant things, instead of things that would be "productive"? If so, what would you rather be doing with your time (i.e., what would be "productive" for you)?

Loves,
Danya

Creating Our Realities

2009-07-07T21:38:00.001-07:00

It was an ordeal to get to the ten post mark, but here it goes . . .

I think people create their own realities. People can force themselves into thinking one way or another and be completely convinced that their perception is the truth.

This is often proved when I think back on decisions that I've made; I don't understand the logic behind my decisions, whether physical actions or perception-based, but, at the time, they were natural for me to make. My perspective was unquestionably accurate. But now that I have distance from that mindset, I want to kick myself for making them.

So, this means that we build our reality. We can convince ourselves that the way we perceive things is correct, even if later we realize it wasn't.

For instance, when my brother consistently uses drugs, he becomes a completely different person who I do not identify with, nor feel is my brother. When in wilderness (i.e., rehab), he wrote us letters and, with each letter we received, it seemed that he was improving and returning to his old self. Even though I was hesitant to let him back in my life, my entire family was convinced that he was getting better, that everything would be fine, we could all stop worrying. By seeing this progress, we believed that he was returning to who he was.

But this reality was shattered by his decision to quit wilderness and start using again (i.e., he really had made no progress).

And it scared the shit out of me that something like that could happen. Even when I was so convinced that something was true and that my perception was accurate, my reality could be destroyed.

It's frightening.

It's like the Matrix.

Think about it.

Loves,
Danya

The Talk and Other Things

2009-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I'm sort of freaking out, because I just submitted a short story to Glimmer Train and I'm all crazy now.

BLARG!

Anyways, onto the post:

Idzie at I'm Unschooled. Yes, I Can Write. did a post about sex and drugs from the eyes of an unschooler. Though I'm not a true unschooler, I thought I would join in the fun.

My parents and I never really had The Talk about sex. I was introduced to sex when I was a kid simply because I asked and my parents told me the truth. They bought me a book about sex for little kids and I learned about it. There were never lies about the stork or any euphemisms about "putting a seed inside Mommy and it growing into a baby."

When I was a preteen, my mom had more detailed discussions with me about sex and puberty. She bought me books and I learned about menstruation. It was always a very frank, open learning process for me. I never felt (and don't feel) weird about talking to my parents about sex. My parents never restricted my sexuality; the only things they asked of me were to 1. always use a condom and 2. wait until I was ready. This open communication between my parents and me about sex has resulted into what I think is a very healthy view of sex and sexuality.

However, learning sex ed in school was a terrible experience. It made sex, which was a topic that I could discuss with my parents very openly, into something that was embarrassing, even shameful. Yes, we learned about STDs, but since my parents have always made it clear to only have safe sex, knowing the medical symptoms of herpes and Chlamydia didn't really help with my sex education. I dreaded going to Health class because of the way they taught sex ed.

Sexuality (i.e. sexual preference) was also a very open topic between me and my parents. My parents always told me they would love me no matter if I was gay, straight, or somewhere in between. (Turns out I chose the third option.) This has allowed me to be a more tolerant person, which is so much healthier than the alternative.

The topic of drugs is a touchy one for me. Up until two years ago, my family has been very open with drugs. The only time I've smoked pot was with my two brothers and my dad. In reality, my family (including my extended family on my dad's side) is stoner dominated.

My parents and I never really discussed drugs, simply because I never asked. This was the result of an anti-drug campaign that ran in my school in the sixth grade. It made it clear that everyone who does drugs will end up dead, arrested, or working at Wendy's for the rest of their lives, regardless of the drug. I was so brainwashed by the claims that I decided I would never do drugs. It wasn't a question for me.

However, I grew up and I learned about the reality of drugs through my brothers' and dad's drug use. My dad smoked pot (until recently), but is a successful businessman with a family and stable life. My eldest brother has used (or experimented with) about every drug imaginable and is an artist/DJ with a wife and a kid, living the life he wants. Unfortunately, my other brother was an addict. He went into wilderness for three months, only to come back out and start using again.

After watching my brother basically destroy his life in less than a year, I decided drugs aren't a priority for me. But seeing my eldest brother and dad maintain healthy, successful lives, I know that most drugs aren't as bad and life-ruining as the anti-drug people say. I have a somewhat warped perspective on drugs because of my experience with my brother, but it's healthier than what it was when I was a kid.

Just a quick note on alcohol before I end this post: I never have and never will drink. Basically everyone in my family (including extended) are or were alcoholics. It probably isn't healthy for me to see alcohol like this, but I am descended from a long line of addicts and don't want to push my luck.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel that most of these points are important.

What are your feelings about sex, drugs, and alcohol?

Loves,
Danya

"Shouting Fire" and the First Amendment

2009-06-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I watched the HBO documentary SHOUTING FIRE: Stories From the Edge of Free Speech today with my parents. It's about the First Amendment and balancing civil liberties and national security.

It was brilliantly done, but I found how much of a hypocrite I am. I am frustrated by people who censor my own point of view, but then I want to censor those whose opinions I find offensive or wrong. For instance, SHOUTING FIRE addressed the story of a high schooler who, when his school was having a day of silence to protest the ban on gay marriages, wore a shirt stating, "Be ashamed. Our school has embraced what God has condemned." on the front and a quote from the Bible, "Homosexuality is shameful", on the back, then was suspended for wearing an offensive shirt.

Instinctively, I thought, "That fucker deserved it".

But, according to the First Amendment, he has every right to say that, just as I have every right to say what I believe.

It's the same reason that 22,000 Nazi-supporters were allowed to attend an American Bund rally in Madison Square Garden in 1939.

It's the same reason that Ward Churchill (a former professor at CU) could write that essay that stated that American foreign policies provoked the 9/11 attacks. (side note: after tons of pressure from the media, CU fired Churchill.)

The First Amendment is truly brilliant. So was SHOUTING FIRE.

Loves,
Danya

Quite The Novel Idea

2009-06-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

I'm kicking around an idea for a novel. I'm flipping back and forth between plots, changing, manipulating the character, tweaking, adding and subtracting development, but I seriously don't know if I have a novel in me. Short stories--fine. No problem. But novels are complex, complicated, detailed; people write outlines for novels.

I never write outlines.

Anyways, I'm going with my gut. I'm not writing an outline, I'm not organizing my thoughts, I'm not fleshing anything out; I'm just letting it simmer in my mind until it clicks. I'm not jabbing my protagonist with a pen, whining, "Be interesting."

None of those things work when I'm writing short stories, I don't know why I thought they would for novels. Besides, I know I have the writing drive in me, I just need to let it evolve on its own.

You can't make a plant grow by telling it to.

Loves,
Danya

Got Muse? A Writer Meme

2009-06-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm super tired tonight, so instead of writing an original post, I'm going to complete a writer's meme. But, first, proof that I am a nerdy girl--all eleven of these are correct. Anyways, onto the meme:

1) Where do you write?

At my desk, surrounded by books, papers, assorted art supplies, and various notebooks. On my bed with a cat in my lap. Occasionally, I'll write on the small porch where I can watch the puffs of tree pollen floating across the sky.

2) When do you write?

During the night, when everyone's asleep and I can focus on the sound of the words spilling from my mind. When I can forget time and myself and just write.

3) Planner or Pantser?

It depends on the story--I'm a pantser for short pieces, usually, but like to plan longer stories. My best work is from the seat of my pants.

4) Coffee or tea?

Tea. Lots and lots of black tea with sugar and milk.

5) Pen and paper, or computer?

Always computer. I can't write longhand fast enough to catch all my ideas as they spill out of me.

6) What gets you in the writing mood?

Good music, a good idea, a mood, a theme, that twitch I get every so often, reminding me to write. A good piece of art or an article or a picture will get me thinking. A scene. A touch. People-watching.

7) What pulls you out of the writing mood?

A headache, a difficult story or character, sadness, joy, pride, a meowing cat, overheating, and the Internet.

8 What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever read/heard/received?

There's more than one. Here's a variety for you:

"The first step--especially for young people with energy, drive, and talent, but not money--the first step to controlling your world is controlling the culture. To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in. To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art."

"Have your adventures, make your mistakes, and choose your friends poorly--all these make for great stories."

- Chuck Palahniuk

"Write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and tell it the best you can. I'm not sure there are any other rules. Not ones that matter."

- Neil Gaiman

9) Got muse?

I wish I did, but, sadly, I do not.

10) Who is the biggest supporter of your writing?

Most of my family, my friends, me, the judges of the Wordstock competition who published my story, and my English teacher. I guess that's vague, but I have a wide support system and I give credit where credit is due.

11) Sound or Silence?

Sound. Always. I love music when I write. It's one of the best ways to keep inspiration flowing.

Well, there you have it, folks. If you'd like to join in the fun, rules and meme are here. Post the link to your post in the comments section. And, of course, feel free to discuss as you see fit.

Loves,

Danya

The Confusing Ideas of Time and College

2009-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with my parents today about the basic outline of what I wanted to do over the next year. Even though I have thirteen months until I get shipped off to college (by choice), time already seems to be closing in. I already have to be thinking about colleges so that I can do applications by January, but if I want to go on a trip abroad, I have to do it after November because of my birthday (so I can legally go on a trip because of age requirements), but make sure it doesn't conflict with the application process.

How much of our lives is filled with planning? Figuring out, scheduling, making things fit together in a logical precession, dividing our lives by time and deadlines. Time just makes things complicated. I just want to be able to live without being cornered by time, but, if I don't utilize it, I might fall behind.

Disregarding timing and scheduling is a risk. If I forget about time, I might not go to college on time--I might not go to college at all. And where will that leave me?

I do go back and forth on the idea of college. It seems like the right thing to do, and I'm sure I'll have fantastic experiences, learn a lot, and get "ahead" in life if I have an "education". But, if I'm happy just living, shouldn't I just continue to do so?

Students (both unschooling and otherwise): Are you planning to go to college? Why or why not? If yes, where are you planning on attending/applying to?

Everyone else: did you go to college? If yes, what did you gain from the experience? If not, what did you gain from that experience?

Loves,
Danya

Discussions Make Me Feel Alive

2009-06-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Every day, living gets easier.

I've spent the last two days with my best friends, painting shoes , watching 1408 and Up, eating jambalaya, stealing chives from neighboring houses, sketching, walking around, and generally getting involved with shenanigans. It's proof that it's finally summer.

One of the best things about unschooling so far is the discussions. Everything's a discussion. My friend, Michelle, and I discussed porn yesterday for a good half hour, talking about how it desensitizes people and creates unrealistic expectations for sex. Then we discussed it with my dad and somehow stumbled upon the root of human nature as we talked about competition, how goal-orientated our society is, "improvement" and "progress", and how all of it is a distraction for the inevitability of death.

Discussing things makes me feel alive. It opens me up to the world, making me realize how much knowledge can be gained by simply talking to people in an intelligent manner. You can't get that from any text book. Text books are prisons for information, I think, structuring the material in a way that it's only words on a page, moving logically from one subject to the next. But discussions are organic, flowing without structure or organization, and the subjects talked about evolve, instead of logically transition.

Here's some homework for you: have an in-depth discussion with a friend (or a stranger) and post about it in the comments.

Loves,
Danya

Screens are boring

2009-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

It seemed easier to simply live today, instead of constantly spending time watching TV or fooling around on the Internet.

The reasons for this are:
1. I know that I have a year. I'm not limited time-wise; whereas, last year, I would've tried to fit all my goofing off into three months of summer vacation, now I know I have a year (or more, depending on what I decide) to do whatever I want.
2. I realized that wasting life away in front of a screen is boring. The Internet is great, TV's great, but I just don't feel as attached to the screen anymore. Why? I have no idea, but I'm grateful for this new found freedom.

So, instead of being stuck to a screen all day, I read more of "The Elegance of the Hedgehog", learned how to make a teepee, researched how to restore old cars, started to reconstruct a shirt, ate lots of raspberries, took pictures of my parents and the garden, and started to rewrite an old story.

Sorry for the short post. Here are some pictures to make up for it:

My dad took a very dirty bike ride today . . .

Poppies in our backyard.

My lovely puppy . . .

The garden and my mommy working in it.

Loves,
Danya

My Thoughts on Schooling and Unschooling

2009-06-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

I've gone to school for eleven years.

That's a fucking scary prospect.

I started kindergarten when I was five, before I had any idea of who I was, what I wanted, or even what it really felt like to be alive. Is it brainwashing? Maybe. Regardless of the answer, our society uses school as a mediator between kids and life, forcing us to devote the majority of our time to school and see life outside it is as a bonus. Our lives are consumed by school: we spend hours in classrooms; when we go home, we do our homework; when hanging out, we only see people we go to school with. School lessens the intensity of living, providing a barrier between us and feeling alive.

The major problem with this structure is that, now that I'm out of school, I have no clue how to live.

After school ended last week, I've spent the time to "relax", basically wasting all of my time messing around on the Internet and watching Family Guy and American Dad. I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm out of school.

I'm using this year to experiment with unschooling so that I can learn how to live.

When I figured that out, I decided that the best way to start unschooling myself is to do whatever my heart desired, whether it be watching TV or building a teepee. That's why I took lots of pictures today:

This cat woke me up early this morning . . .

Which resulted in me seeing a beautiful morning sky . . .

This is my dad . . .

The bleeding hearts in the front yard . . .

The irises in the back yard . . .

If you are an unschooler, what's your most important tip for beginning unschoolers?
If you are a regular schooler, what's your opinion on school?

Feel free to discuss as you see fit.

Loves,
Danya

Hello--Bonjour--Hallo

2009-06-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm Danya.

What kind of things will be posted on this blog?
Generally, everything I experience over this next year. More specifically: thoughts; ideas; sketches; photographs of everything; rants; stories (sometimes about nothing); reviews of books and websites; nerdiness. Everything.

Why do you have so many hiatuses?
I'm kind of a terrible blogger. While I'm sorry that I don't always post regularly, I promise I'm trying. Hopefully, I can keep up on posting this time.

Why are you a godless heathen or Why do you hate America?
I really don't know what I am, politically or religiously, at this point in my life, but I figure I have plenty of time to decide. I'm open for discussion on either topic, so if you have something to say, please do.

What's with the irrational hatred of ellipses?
They don't serve any purpose except to inject a pause in writing. Also, they're ugly.

Loves,
Danya

Disclaimer:
I'm a terrible blogger.
I've started three blogs in the past and flaked out on them.
Hopefully this one won't be added to the list.